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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SJ1JKx-AH8
Scared - Sam Bradley
I cast aside my emptiness
With an inability to care
Throw empty words
I drink because
Im Scared
I force myself to fall in love
Theyre so unaware
Simulate control because
Im Scared
I run I fall
Beneath it all
Loves hard
Im told
Im making change
I swear to me
You wont complain
About misery
What do you know
About lonely
You have everyone you need
What do you know
Youre happy
My soul is sliced with greed
I genuinely counterfeit
All my conversations
Keep my truth because
Im scared
Walked with many miles of man
Talked to many faces
Refused to understand because
Im scared
I run
I crawl
Beneath it all
Lifes hard
Im told
Im making change
I swear to me
You wont complain
About misery
What do you know
About lonely
You have everyone you need
What do you know
Youre happy
My soul is sliced with greed
I do believe
I will receive
From you and you and you
Mmm... LOVE it
Friday, March 27, 2009
At Last, My Heart Has Opened
I've already started preparing for my travels. I received my actual birth certificate, next the passport. I've acquired a steady second job waiting tables after my day job, and on weekends. It's excellent. I have so much extra money! Spending it mostly on books, an iPod Touch, and vintage issues of Rolling Stone magazines - pretty much the limit is if it can't go on a plane, then I don't buy it. I'm using the extra money now, because when I move in with my mother that's when the saving begins. Anyways, I still have my day job... didn't get laid off after all but many others did and it was a very unfortunate, trying time for the company. But we've kept afloat so all is well at the moment. I applied for online classes and am planning on getting my Associates in Psychology, and possibly continuing on with my Bachelor's once I get overseas, but that's just an idea. I'll have to see when I get there how comfortable I am with that, money wise. I've also applied for my TEFL certification and have decided that I will be doing my training in Phuket, Thailand, but still weighing other options such as London or Barcelona. Where I go from there is still a mystery, but I have plenty of time to figure it out. Another thing, about my car - oh how conveniently this worked out - I totaled it, and was going to have to get another one which would have sucked leaving trying to get ride of a car with a high note on it before I left. I was preparing myself to just make sure whatever I do over there, I am still able to afford paying on it and it would be here if/when I came back. Come to find out, after a long conversation with my Mother about my plans, that the lease on her car is up in about a year. Oh re-he-heeally! How perfect. So, we decided that I'm going to get a car in my name, whatever she wants, and then when I leave which will be roughly around the time the lease on her other car is up, I'll sign the title over to her and she will continue with owning it. I couldn't be more please how WELL that fell into place. What are the odds right?
On another note, concert season has commenced and I am THRILLED! Shows, concerts and festivals for the next 7 months, WOOO! I always enjoy this time of year so much, as the weather gets hotter, and the days get longer. It seems to make everything flow much less chaotically. And I like that.
More stuff to fill the void - that is always good.
See, ever since I made my decision to do this, to travel the world, I've been anxious (surprise, surprise). I've been working my bones and brain to mush, reading constantly, researching, doing anything to fill the spaces of time between my other obligations. I've become compulsive about it actually. I can't stand the silence when I'm NOT doing anything during my free time. It's utterly unbearable. I have ordered so many books in the past couple of weeks, even reading older ones over again. If I'm not reading then I'm working and if I'm doing neither of those.. well, I'm going absolutely insane inside. It probably seems to others around me that I've closed myself off. Like a hermit or something. It's not the case though, It is absolutely necessary that I keep my mind preoccupied or I'll go into a fit of panic/anxiety. My iPod has contributed a great deal of relief believe it or not. With the music always in my ears (they VERY rarely come out!) it helps me stay unfocused on the other things eating away at me.
Despite the new anxieties, it seems most of the others' I had before are beginning to diminish. The ones I have now are good anxieties, anticipation. The old were bad, tearing me up inside slowly. My eyes have opened, my heart has opened, and my mind has opened to the new future that awaits me. Everything else just seems trivial. It's a truly liberating feeling. I feel young again. I have hope again. I am finally, beyond doubt, excited about my future. There are no questions anymore. This is what I want, this is what I've always wanted and by suppressing it for so long, for all the wrong reasons was an awful thing to put myself, and my loved ones, through.
Revelation…. Comes to mind. J
If anyone reading this takes anything from it. I will have accomplished something, if nothing else. I find comfort in that. Maybe someone will be saved from a life they never wanted.
This song…. Comes to mind
Modest Moust - Lives
Everyone's afraid of their own lifeIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?No one really knows the ones they loveIf you knew everything they thoughtI bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut upWell, you were the dull sound of sharp mathWhen you were aliveNo ones gonna play the harp when you dieAnd if I had a nickel for every damn dimeI'd have half the time, do you mind?Everyone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?Am I right? And it's our livesIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWe're alive for the first timeIt's hard to remember were alive for the last timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberTo live before you dieIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberThat our lives are such a short timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWhen it takes such a long timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witchI like thisMy hell comes from inside, comes from inside myselfWhy fight thisEveryone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Well, I'm off to play some pool and drink beers! Can't wait! (Don't have to work tonight, yippee!)
On another note, concert season has commenced and I am THRILLED! Shows, concerts and festivals for the next 7 months, WOOO! I always enjoy this time of year so much, as the weather gets hotter, and the days get longer. It seems to make everything flow much less chaotically. And I like that.
More stuff to fill the void - that is always good.
See, ever since I made my decision to do this, to travel the world, I've been anxious (surprise, surprise). I've been working my bones and brain to mush, reading constantly, researching, doing anything to fill the spaces of time between my other obligations. I've become compulsive about it actually. I can't stand the silence when I'm NOT doing anything during my free time. It's utterly unbearable. I have ordered so many books in the past couple of weeks, even reading older ones over again. If I'm not reading then I'm working and if I'm doing neither of those.. well, I'm going absolutely insane inside. It probably seems to others around me that I've closed myself off. Like a hermit or something. It's not the case though, It is absolutely necessary that I keep my mind preoccupied or I'll go into a fit of panic/anxiety. My iPod has contributed a great deal of relief believe it or not. With the music always in my ears (they VERY rarely come out!) it helps me stay unfocused on the other things eating away at me.
Despite the new anxieties, it seems most of the others' I had before are beginning to diminish. The ones I have now are good anxieties, anticipation. The old were bad, tearing me up inside slowly. My eyes have opened, my heart has opened, and my mind has opened to the new future that awaits me. Everything else just seems trivial. It's a truly liberating feeling. I feel young again. I have hope again. I am finally, beyond doubt, excited about my future. There are no questions anymore. This is what I want, this is what I've always wanted and by suppressing it for so long, for all the wrong reasons was an awful thing to put myself, and my loved ones, through.
Revelation…. Comes to mind. J
If anyone reading this takes anything from it. I will have accomplished something, if nothing else. I find comfort in that. Maybe someone will be saved from a life they never wanted.
This song…. Comes to mind
Modest Moust - Lives
Everyone's afraid of their own lifeIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?No one really knows the ones they loveIf you knew everything they thoughtI bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut upWell, you were the dull sound of sharp mathWhen you were aliveNo ones gonna play the harp when you dieAnd if I had a nickel for every damn dimeI'd have half the time, do you mind?Everyone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?Am I right? And it's our livesIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWe're alive for the first timeIt's hard to remember were alive for the last timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberTo live before you dieIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberThat our lives are such a short timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWhen it takes such a long timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witchI like thisMy hell comes from inside, comes from inside myselfWhy fight thisEveryone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Well, I'm off to play some pool and drink beers! Can't wait! (Don't have to work tonight, yippee!)
Caught Up
Ok, that's where I stopped. All caught up now. Everything posted from this point on will be current.
Confession
I haven't written in a while. Not any particularly interesting current events going on lately, well up until recently that is. I told Landin everything. That I was going, no matter what he did or said, and that it was necessary. I explained everything to him that I've discussed in these notes. Another turn of events included my telling Amber these plans, and her wanting to go as well. She's always been like me, a wanderer, not completely satisfied with the way her life turned out at this point either. We've been discussing where we want to go first. She's suggested Taipei, Taiwan because she has a friend who currently lives there and is teaching English as a Foreign language. We would be able to crash with him for a while until we got on our feet, and got used to the idea of being across the globe from anything and everything we know. It's not set in stone yet, and we still have time to figure it out but it's an idea for now. Our other idea was Koh Samui Island, if we decide to go more for the cheap island lifestyle. I'm also going to get my TESL certification, which is "Teaching English as a Second Language", in other countries. Once I get this I'll pretty much have a job opportunity anywhere I go in the world…everyone is always looking for more (American) English-speaking foreigners. It's in very high demand all over. I already purchased my birth certificate, and when that arrives I'll be going to get my passport. Melissa, my roommate, is currently trying to get out of our lease because she decided to stay in Austin after going to open up a new Razoo's there. So, it would be AWESOME for both of us if we could just get out of the lease, seriously… that would give me so much more time to save up. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
On a shittier note, we laid off 2 more people here at work which is NOT good at all. Now, ****h, ****a and I have to cover the slack that ****y used to pick up and take shifts every single day on answering the phones. It really f'in sucks. I also found out that not only are we going to need to lay off at lease one more person to stay afloat, but ****y wants ****e to buy him out! ****y wants to back out of the business! So, needless to say… I may not be working here for much longer. I was really relying on this job to get me through the next year, so I can save plenty of money and have a nice fat Christmas bonus and all that good stuff. But I seriously don't think *the company* is going to make it to Christmas. I've been searching for side jobs though as well to get a little extra incoming cash flow. I found this one gig so far, house cleaning weekly or bi-weekly for some dude who lives in a huge house. I could just do these every weekend and that would get some decent extra flow in my pockets. It just sucks though, knowing I could lose my job at any minute and be screwed. I know I could find another job, or two if I have to to keep the same incoming cash, but I just don't like knowing that I have to go searching again after 4 years of sweating and bleeding for the same company just to watch it go under. I can only imagine how ****e is feeling. The economy really sucks right now too, so finding a GOOD job isn't exactly going to be easy. What a freaking mess.
I also STILL don't have a car. Those more *collision* guys have had my car just sitting at their body shop for over a month now. I really wish this Dave guy would pay me. I have $6500.00 just sitting in my account right now, READY to pay off the damn car. Now this douche is wanting to possibly go through insurance since the repair costs are so high. And he's just dragging me along, doing absolutely nothing about the mess to get me paid. So I'm still without a damn car until he feels like paying me.
Shit just SUCKS right now, damn! Can't wait to get the hell out of here!
I'm excited that everything is becoming more and more real now though. I'm really going to do this, and it's going to be amazing. I absolutely cannot wait. My life is going to be magical. I've already started knocking shit off my to-do list. I filed my taxes, I applied for my TEFL certification, I'm getting my baby Taylor fixed so I can start back learning the guitar very SOON, I got another little side job to bring in some extra cash, ordered my birth certificate, got all my personal paperwork and filing in order and organized… it feels good, really good. I feel like I'm making headway in my life for once, despite all the other unfortunate events.
I'll get through it. Just another ditch in the road.
Ahhh, more to come later.
On a shittier note, we laid off 2 more people here at work which is NOT good at all. Now, ****h, ****a and I have to cover the slack that ****y used to pick up and take shifts every single day on answering the phones. It really f'in sucks. I also found out that not only are we going to need to lay off at lease one more person to stay afloat, but ****y wants ****e to buy him out! ****y wants to back out of the business! So, needless to say… I may not be working here for much longer. I was really relying on this job to get me through the next year, so I can save plenty of money and have a nice fat Christmas bonus and all that good stuff. But I seriously don't think *the company* is going to make it to Christmas. I've been searching for side jobs though as well to get a little extra incoming cash flow. I found this one gig so far, house cleaning weekly or bi-weekly for some dude who lives in a huge house. I could just do these every weekend and that would get some decent extra flow in my pockets. It just sucks though, knowing I could lose my job at any minute and be screwed. I know I could find another job, or two if I have to to keep the same incoming cash, but I just don't like knowing that I have to go searching again after 4 years of sweating and bleeding for the same company just to watch it go under. I can only imagine how ****e is feeling. The economy really sucks right now too, so finding a GOOD job isn't exactly going to be easy. What a freaking mess.
I also STILL don't have a car. Those more *collision* guys have had my car just sitting at their body shop for over a month now. I really wish this Dave guy would pay me. I have $6500.00 just sitting in my account right now, READY to pay off the damn car. Now this douche is wanting to possibly go through insurance since the repair costs are so high. And he's just dragging me along, doing absolutely nothing about the mess to get me paid. So I'm still without a damn car until he feels like paying me.
Shit just SUCKS right now, damn! Can't wait to get the hell out of here!
I'm excited that everything is becoming more and more real now though. I'm really going to do this, and it's going to be amazing. I absolutely cannot wait. My life is going to be magical. I've already started knocking shit off my to-do list. I filed my taxes, I applied for my TEFL certification, I'm getting my baby Taylor fixed so I can start back learning the guitar very SOON, I got another little side job to bring in some extra cash, ordered my birth certificate, got all my personal paperwork and filing in order and organized… it feels good, really good. I feel like I'm making headway in my life for once, despite all the other unfortunate events.
I'll get through it. Just another ditch in the road.
Ahhh, more to come later.
Epiphany
So much to write about today. I've decided where I want to go, if I'm going. Koh Samui Island. Wow, it's truly unbelievably beautiful there, like something from a movie. And the cost of living is completely affordable! Oh my goodness, I've been looking at apt. rentals and bungalow rentals. They range to as little as $429/mo. to $1,001.89/mo. Unbelievable! I can't even find apts. in Dallas for that damn cheap! What the hell am I doing here?! Wow, seriously. I could live on an island in a bungalow for $472 a month, and average $10 a day living expenses for food and whatnot. I wouldn't need a vehicle, so no insurance either. Seriously? Cheaper living in such an AMAMZINGLY beautiful place! I'm in shock right now. This does not help me talk myself into staying here.
So, I've found about 30 properties on the island that are within my price range, for when I first move there anyways. Oh, these beaches, they're incredible. The water is so blue and the sand looks so soft and white… everything looks so clean and fresh. There are Buddhist temples located everywhere, bungalow bars on the beaches. So beautiful. I HAVE to go now. I really do. I can feel it in my bones, shaking the core of my existence. The more I research, and the more decisions I make and the more details I discover, the more I feel the urge, the need, to go. I was thinking maybe visiting London for a month or so beforehand since I'll have some extra cash that first year. I've always wanted to go there, go to one of their festivals, peruse the streets and admire all the incredible architecture, experience the night life, etc. they have some relatively cheap flats there that I could stay in even 2 or 3 months if I wanted and still be fine. Then I'd depart to Koh Samui Island, and move into my little bungalow, enjoy the scenery, meet the people, explore the temples and forests and lagoons, eat authentic thai food, swim in the bright blue ocean waters, tan on the white sandy beaches. Then I'd eventually look for a job… I could probably get into real estate, especially construction, pretty easily. This place is slowly, but surely, turning into a hot spot for tourists so there's been a bit of construction going on - adding roads and hotels and restaurants and other miscellaneous tourist attractions. It would be an excellent place to start a business. Or even just get a job as a bartender at one of the pubs or beach bars for a bit, maybe wait tables for a while, make jewelry and sell it at the market, work at one of the hospitals… there's so many opportunities I could take advantage of when I felt the time to employ myself. Even start my own business - like a daycare for vacationers, or a spa facility complete with mani/pedi's. So many options there. SO MANY. My heart is racing at the thought of how perfect all this could be, how real it could become if I follow my heart. Speaking of, I'm reading "The Last Lecture" by Professor Randy Pausch. It's a beautiful, inspiring life story. It really made me think about what's important TO ME, what MY dreams are and that I should never be afraid to fulfill them, because time is short - and a lot of times it's shorter than we even think. There are many quotes in there I want to add in here. Anyways, I'm going to go have a smoke and enjoy the 15 minutes of sunshine I get a day and be back with some more thoughts.
Some good stuff from the book thus far:
"It is what it is. We can't change it. We just have to decide how we will respond. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." (referring to his cancer diagnosis)
In the words of his father, "If you have a question, then find the answer." Randy: "The instinct in our house was never to sit around like slobs and wonder. We knew a better way: Open the encyclopedia. Open the Dictionary. Open your mind."
Father, "Never make a decision until you have to."; On playing fair, "Just because you're in the drivers seat, doesn't mean you have to run people over"
"Anybody out there who is a parent, if your kids want to paint their bedrooms, as a favor to me, let them do it. It'll be OK. Don't worry about the resale value on the house."
"Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day, because there's no other way to play it."
"We don't beat the Reaper by living longer. We beat the Reaper by living well."
"It's not about how to achieve your dreams. It's about leading your life. If you lead your life in a right way, karma will take care of itself. And dreams will come to you."
"If I only had three words of advice, they would be, tell the truth. If I got three more words, I'd add, all the time."
"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out, the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!" (My favorite)
"Be good at something. It makes you valuable. Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome."
"Better to fail spectacularly than to do something mediocre." ('nother fav)
"Experience is what you get, when you didn't get what you wanted."
"Be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity."
"Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting."
"Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people, not on yourself."
"Don't complain. Just work harder. That's a picture of Jackie Robinson. It was in his contract not to complain, even when the fans spit on it."
"Get a feedback loop and listen to it. Your feedback loop can be this dorky spreadsheet thing I did, or it can be one great man who tells you what you need to hear. The hard part is listening to it."
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care."
Assistant Coach, "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."
"If you're going to do anything that pioneering you will get those arrows in the back, and you just have to put up with it."
"Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. You've got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff isn't going to work."
Many of the things he says remind me of how people should live their lives. I often wondered if I was thinking about all this travel stuff backwards… you know, FIRST you get married have babies, raise the babies, etc. etc. and then you travel. That's how Landin see's it also. Not I. I think you should get the fun stuff over with first, because you never ever know how long you're going to make it on this planet. When your card is dealt, it's dealt and you can do nothing about it. Why take the chance of not experiencing something that means SO much to me? Why give up my dreams, or him give up his, just to satisfy one another? If it was meant to be, we would be on the same wavelength but we're not and that, more often than not, means you aren't meant to be with that person for the rest of your life. People who are going to be happy together for the rest of their lives in everything they do have to want, relatively, the same things. Landin and I are a perfect example: I want to travel, to see the world, to live a simple life on an island somewhere - and if I have kids and get married great, then that's what was supposed to happen, but at least I did what I needed to do to make myself happy first because if I am not happy in my life then no one around me will be happy either. It's an unfair situation to put myself and my loved ones in! Now, look at his situation. He wants the white picket fence, to be the provider, the husband, the kids, the handy man. He wants the whole deal. And he has no desire to travel, not like I do anyways. And, if he does, he wants to wait until he's stable financially, the kids are gone and maybe even be retired, before he'll run off to trot around the globe. I most certainly cannot wait that long. First of all, who the hell knows what's going to happen to this world in the next 25 years. I'm sure all the lovely islands and beautiful forests will be demolished. Nor do I even know for a fact that my card won't get dealt sometime in those 25 years. SO much could happen. And I'd be older and less mobile, less energetic, more weak. So, now you see - neither one of us will be happy if we choose to follow the others dreams instead of our own personal desires for living our life. One or the other would be bitter for the rest of our living days together. Why are we willing to sacrifice that? We truly sacrifice our dreams and aspirations to become something we never wanted to be, or do something we never wanted to do, most of the time. I wish I could just go around the world (hahah, as if I haven't made that quite clear) and ask everyone if they were truly happy where they are in their life. Are you happy with your career choice? Was it what you really wanted to do? Why didn't you try to do what you dreamed about doing, what stopped you? And most of those responses would be along the lines of "well, I just sort of fell into it and it stuck", "I had kids, "I got married". I know this, because I use the first one all the time. Why do we insist on being miserable for the rest of our lives? It doesn't have to be that way. In fact, it shouldn't be this way. The world is our playground, so let's play! I know most people don't necessarily regret way their lives turned out, but most would say they'd do it differently if they could do it all over again. I know I would, if I decided not to go do this. I know for a fact that I would wish upon a star that I would've gone and done this.
So, I've found about 30 properties on the island that are within my price range, for when I first move there anyways. Oh, these beaches, they're incredible. The water is so blue and the sand looks so soft and white… everything looks so clean and fresh. There are Buddhist temples located everywhere, bungalow bars on the beaches. So beautiful. I HAVE to go now. I really do. I can feel it in my bones, shaking the core of my existence. The more I research, and the more decisions I make and the more details I discover, the more I feel the urge, the need, to go. I was thinking maybe visiting London for a month or so beforehand since I'll have some extra cash that first year. I've always wanted to go there, go to one of their festivals, peruse the streets and admire all the incredible architecture, experience the night life, etc. they have some relatively cheap flats there that I could stay in even 2 or 3 months if I wanted and still be fine. Then I'd depart to Koh Samui Island, and move into my little bungalow, enjoy the scenery, meet the people, explore the temples and forests and lagoons, eat authentic thai food, swim in the bright blue ocean waters, tan on the white sandy beaches. Then I'd eventually look for a job… I could probably get into real estate, especially construction, pretty easily. This place is slowly, but surely, turning into a hot spot for tourists so there's been a bit of construction going on - adding roads and hotels and restaurants and other miscellaneous tourist attractions. It would be an excellent place to start a business. Or even just get a job as a bartender at one of the pubs or beach bars for a bit, maybe wait tables for a while, make jewelry and sell it at the market, work at one of the hospitals… there's so many opportunities I could take advantage of when I felt the time to employ myself. Even start my own business - like a daycare for vacationers, or a spa facility complete with mani/pedi's. So many options there. SO MANY. My heart is racing at the thought of how perfect all this could be, how real it could become if I follow my heart. Speaking of, I'm reading "The Last Lecture" by Professor Randy Pausch. It's a beautiful, inspiring life story. It really made me think about what's important TO ME, what MY dreams are and that I should never be afraid to fulfill them, because time is short - and a lot of times it's shorter than we even think. There are many quotes in there I want to add in here. Anyways, I'm going to go have a smoke and enjoy the 15 minutes of sunshine I get a day and be back with some more thoughts.
Some good stuff from the book thus far:
"It is what it is. We can't change it. We just have to decide how we will respond. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." (referring to his cancer diagnosis)
In the words of his father, "If you have a question, then find the answer." Randy: "The instinct in our house was never to sit around like slobs and wonder. We knew a better way: Open the encyclopedia. Open the Dictionary. Open your mind."
Father, "Never make a decision until you have to."; On playing fair, "Just because you're in the drivers seat, doesn't mean you have to run people over"
"Anybody out there who is a parent, if your kids want to paint their bedrooms, as a favor to me, let them do it. It'll be OK. Don't worry about the resale value on the house."
"Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day, because there's no other way to play it."
"We don't beat the Reaper by living longer. We beat the Reaper by living well."
"It's not about how to achieve your dreams. It's about leading your life. If you lead your life in a right way, karma will take care of itself. And dreams will come to you."
"If I only had three words of advice, they would be, tell the truth. If I got three more words, I'd add, all the time."
"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out, the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!" (My favorite)
"Be good at something. It makes you valuable. Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome."
"Better to fail spectacularly than to do something mediocre." ('nother fav)
"Experience is what you get, when you didn't get what you wanted."
"Be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity."
"Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting."
"Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people, not on yourself."
"Don't complain. Just work harder. That's a picture of Jackie Robinson. It was in his contract not to complain, even when the fans spit on it."
"Get a feedback loop and listen to it. Your feedback loop can be this dorky spreadsheet thing I did, or it can be one great man who tells you what you need to hear. The hard part is listening to it."
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care."
Assistant Coach, "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."
"If you're going to do anything that pioneering you will get those arrows in the back, and you just have to put up with it."
"Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. You've got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff isn't going to work."
Many of the things he says remind me of how people should live their lives. I often wondered if I was thinking about all this travel stuff backwards… you know, FIRST you get married have babies, raise the babies, etc. etc. and then you travel. That's how Landin see's it also. Not I. I think you should get the fun stuff over with first, because you never ever know how long you're going to make it on this planet. When your card is dealt, it's dealt and you can do nothing about it. Why take the chance of not experiencing something that means SO much to me? Why give up my dreams, or him give up his, just to satisfy one another? If it was meant to be, we would be on the same wavelength but we're not and that, more often than not, means you aren't meant to be with that person for the rest of your life. People who are going to be happy together for the rest of their lives in everything they do have to want, relatively, the same things. Landin and I are a perfect example: I want to travel, to see the world, to live a simple life on an island somewhere - and if I have kids and get married great, then that's what was supposed to happen, but at least I did what I needed to do to make myself happy first because if I am not happy in my life then no one around me will be happy either. It's an unfair situation to put myself and my loved ones in! Now, look at his situation. He wants the white picket fence, to be the provider, the husband, the kids, the handy man. He wants the whole deal. And he has no desire to travel, not like I do anyways. And, if he does, he wants to wait until he's stable financially, the kids are gone and maybe even be retired, before he'll run off to trot around the globe. I most certainly cannot wait that long. First of all, who the hell knows what's going to happen to this world in the next 25 years. I'm sure all the lovely islands and beautiful forests will be demolished. Nor do I even know for a fact that my card won't get dealt sometime in those 25 years. SO much could happen. And I'd be older and less mobile, less energetic, more weak. So, now you see - neither one of us will be happy if we choose to follow the others dreams instead of our own personal desires for living our life. One or the other would be bitter for the rest of our living days together. Why are we willing to sacrifice that? We truly sacrifice our dreams and aspirations to become something we never wanted to be, or do something we never wanted to do, most of the time. I wish I could just go around the world (hahah, as if I haven't made that quite clear) and ask everyone if they were truly happy where they are in their life. Are you happy with your career choice? Was it what you really wanted to do? Why didn't you try to do what you dreamed about doing, what stopped you? And most of those responses would be along the lines of "well, I just sort of fell into it and it stuck", "I had kids, "I got married". I know this, because I use the first one all the time. Why do we insist on being miserable for the rest of our lives? It doesn't have to be that way. In fact, it shouldn't be this way. The world is our playground, so let's play! I know most people don't necessarily regret way their lives turned out, but most would say they'd do it differently if they could do it all over again. I know I would, if I decided not to go do this. I know for a fact that I would wish upon a star that I would've gone and done this.
Disconnecting
Isla Mujeres
Tiny island of the Yucatan Peninsula - 8 miles from Cancun, Mexico or a half hour by ferry.
Mayan Ruins.
Oceans so blue they make the sky look pale.
Food & bars downtown.
Waterpark.
Know Spanish.
3 Square Miles
Pop: 14,500
http://www.carribeanrealtytravel.com/
- Casa Isleno II Apts. (downtown)
- Casa Suaste (Colonia)
- Casa Zorro Studios (Colonia Waterfront)
- Cielito Lindo Apts. (Downtown)
- Color de Verano Village Apt. (downtown)
Koh Samui
One hour from Bangkok.
Seems like time & crowds have left alone.
Mountainous interior remains largely jungle.
Coast is filled with fishing villages & Buddhist temples
Motorbike & boat are main transportation
High literacy rate & often speak English
95 Square Miles
Pop: 40,000
http://www.samuipropertysolutions.com/
Exuma
Bahamian islands
61 Square Miles
Pop: 3,570; 5,000 Winter
http://www.hgchristie.com/
***Hvar***
Old, stone homes, vineyards & fields of lavender
One of Europe's best climates.
Long history of art and culture
Beyond the town are mountains scented with lavender and rosemary
Fairly homogenous population
Pop: 11,500; 55,000 Summer
http://www.croatianhouse.com/
Vanua Levu
Remains pleasantly undiscovered and thoroughly unpretentious
Mountainous island smothered in jungle.
Much of the island is accessible only by foot or boat
About evenly split between Fijians & Indians
2,140 Square Miles
Pop: 130,000
http://www.feejee.com/
Holbox
Completely undeveloped & boasts some of the most scenic & isolated beaches in the Yucatan Peninsula.
Streets are sand-packed & the beach is lined with palm-thatched huts
There are no ATM's and absolutely no cell service
Molokai
Hawaiian island
Tiny coves & beaches are so private you are often the only person there.
British Virgin Islands
Antigua
Smaller sister island Barbuda has more secluded beaches & have remained largely untouched
It seems like everyday I'm increasingly losing myself in my thoughts. I don't hear ¾ of the things that emerge from anyone's mouth because I'm off wandering around somewhere in my head. Everything just seems to elapse in a blur, almost lifeless…definitely pointless. God, I sound suicidal! Hah! I promise that's certainly not the case! I just long to escape this life, and go somewhere else ya know. I don't have many conversations with Landin anymore, just don't really have anything to talk about, no excitement… at all - all the exciting stuff is in my head and I can't share these things with him. Is this what marriages are like? Ugh! All I can think about is being somewhere else. All I can do is scrutinize every tiny annoying, unflattering detail about Landin (a defense mechanism to protect myself of course) and my job and this city. All the demands, and obligations that consume every moment of my life. I have no more ME time. Hell, I'm pretty sure I've forgotten who I am essentially. I've just about entirely lost myself in this haze that is my life now. The little piece that is sustaining the real things I want, my true happiness, my true desires, is all I have left. And it feels like it's burrowing deeper - into my soul - like it's striving to pull me up before I'm completely submerged in this abyss I don't want to be in - this life here. I feel like my relationship is beginning to falter as well… I'm just disconnected now. I'm sure he's benefiting from it, probably enjoying it actually - I don't talk much, don't have anything to fight or bicker about, much less care to fight really. In fact, I'm not really concerned much at all about anything. It's quite like an out of body experience - like my body is physically present, but I'm in essence not. I wonder if he's detected the change at all or if he assumes we've just finally reached some sort of milestone in our relationship whereby things are calming down, relaxing. Haha, if only that were the case. It's really more like my head is wandering somewhere perfectly out of this world, and my heart beats relentlessly more for a different desire other than his love and companionship. I feel awful and guilty like I'm doing something wrong here, or being deceitful to him in some way. I suppose it is somewhat lying, well more so hiding something. He is oblivious to what's been ravaging my thoughts lately - I refuse to discuss any of this with him. Period. He won't have it, I know he won't. I've become aware of myself in the car every morning and evening on the ways to and from work just daydreaming, totally and completely disconnected. Or I'm staring blankly out the window gazing around, dissecting every tiny detail that I loathe about this city. And yet again, I can't help but wonder if he notices whenever he looks at me during these mind vacations, that I appear empty - that the "twinkle" has vanished, the color, the "being in love" smiles and flutters, all that good stuff that we used to share. Every time I get on the internet now I'm looking at all these lovely islands, and their price ranges for apartments. And London - London is quite alluring as well. Then I get excited and imagine myself as a bartender at one of the beach bars, a regular at the local café, a friend of the locals, with a tiny little apartment furnished in trinkets and furniture all purchased from a local store - probably handcrafted, with my bike or scooter. It all seems so enlightening, so happy - so where I want to be. I have a few months to figure all this out, my lease doesn't end until like May or June I believe. Then it's the big decision - will I move back in with Landin and accept my life as it is now, and forever wonder what could have been - or will I make the jump and decide to move in with the mother for a year and start saving my money? Only time will tell - but one thing I do know is I have A LOT to figure out in the coming months.
Tiny island of the Yucatan Peninsula - 8 miles from Cancun, Mexico or a half hour by ferry.
Mayan Ruins.
Oceans so blue they make the sky look pale.
Food & bars downtown.
Waterpark.
Know Spanish.
3 Square Miles
Pop: 14,500
http://www.carribeanrealtytravel.com/
- Casa Isleno II Apts. (downtown)
- Casa Suaste (Colonia)
- Casa Zorro Studios (Colonia Waterfront)
- Cielito Lindo Apts. (Downtown)
- Color de Verano Village Apt. (downtown)
Koh Samui
One hour from Bangkok.
Seems like time & crowds have left alone.
Mountainous interior remains largely jungle.
Coast is filled with fishing villages & Buddhist temples
Motorbike & boat are main transportation
High literacy rate & often speak English
95 Square Miles
Pop: 40,000
http://www.samuipropertysolutions.com/
Exuma
Bahamian islands
61 Square Miles
Pop: 3,570; 5,000 Winter
http://www.hgchristie.com/
***Hvar***
Old, stone homes, vineyards & fields of lavender
One of Europe's best climates.
Long history of art and culture
Beyond the town are mountains scented with lavender and rosemary
Fairly homogenous population
Pop: 11,500; 55,000 Summer
http://www.croatianhouse.com/
Vanua Levu
Remains pleasantly undiscovered and thoroughly unpretentious
Mountainous island smothered in jungle.
Much of the island is accessible only by foot or boat
About evenly split between Fijians & Indians
2,140 Square Miles
Pop: 130,000
http://www.feejee.com/
Holbox
Completely undeveloped & boasts some of the most scenic & isolated beaches in the Yucatan Peninsula.
Streets are sand-packed & the beach is lined with palm-thatched huts
There are no ATM's and absolutely no cell service
Molokai
Hawaiian island
Tiny coves & beaches are so private you are often the only person there.
British Virgin Islands
Antigua
Smaller sister island Barbuda has more secluded beaches & have remained largely untouched
It seems like everyday I'm increasingly losing myself in my thoughts. I don't hear ¾ of the things that emerge from anyone's mouth because I'm off wandering around somewhere in my head. Everything just seems to elapse in a blur, almost lifeless…definitely pointless. God, I sound suicidal! Hah! I promise that's certainly not the case! I just long to escape this life, and go somewhere else ya know. I don't have many conversations with Landin anymore, just don't really have anything to talk about, no excitement… at all - all the exciting stuff is in my head and I can't share these things with him. Is this what marriages are like? Ugh! All I can think about is being somewhere else. All I can do is scrutinize every tiny annoying, unflattering detail about Landin (a defense mechanism to protect myself of course) and my job and this city. All the demands, and obligations that consume every moment of my life. I have no more ME time. Hell, I'm pretty sure I've forgotten who I am essentially. I've just about entirely lost myself in this haze that is my life now. The little piece that is sustaining the real things I want, my true happiness, my true desires, is all I have left. And it feels like it's burrowing deeper - into my soul - like it's striving to pull me up before I'm completely submerged in this abyss I don't want to be in - this life here. I feel like my relationship is beginning to falter as well… I'm just disconnected now. I'm sure he's benefiting from it, probably enjoying it actually - I don't talk much, don't have anything to fight or bicker about, much less care to fight really. In fact, I'm not really concerned much at all about anything. It's quite like an out of body experience - like my body is physically present, but I'm in essence not. I wonder if he's detected the change at all or if he assumes we've just finally reached some sort of milestone in our relationship whereby things are calming down, relaxing. Haha, if only that were the case. It's really more like my head is wandering somewhere perfectly out of this world, and my heart beats relentlessly more for a different desire other than his love and companionship. I feel awful and guilty like I'm doing something wrong here, or being deceitful to him in some way. I suppose it is somewhat lying, well more so hiding something. He is oblivious to what's been ravaging my thoughts lately - I refuse to discuss any of this with him. Period. He won't have it, I know he won't. I've become aware of myself in the car every morning and evening on the ways to and from work just daydreaming, totally and completely disconnected. Or I'm staring blankly out the window gazing around, dissecting every tiny detail that I loathe about this city. And yet again, I can't help but wonder if he notices whenever he looks at me during these mind vacations, that I appear empty - that the "twinkle" has vanished, the color, the "being in love" smiles and flutters, all that good stuff that we used to share. Every time I get on the internet now I'm looking at all these lovely islands, and their price ranges for apartments. And London - London is quite alluring as well. Then I get excited and imagine myself as a bartender at one of the beach bars, a regular at the local café, a friend of the locals, with a tiny little apartment furnished in trinkets and furniture all purchased from a local store - probably handcrafted, with my bike or scooter. It all seems so enlightening, so happy - so where I want to be. I have a few months to figure all this out, my lease doesn't end until like May or June I believe. Then it's the big decision - will I move back in with Landin and accept my life as it is now, and forever wonder what could have been - or will I make the jump and decide to move in with the mother for a year and start saving my money? Only time will tell - but one thing I do know is I have A LOT to figure out in the coming months.
Silence Isn't Always Gold
I never really have anything to talk about anymore, unless it's involving work or someone else's life. How boring is that! I'm seriously getting bored with my life, like majorly bored. It's getting to the point where it's unbearable. Silence. This isn't a good silence though. It's so dull and lifeless. I need to do something badly, like take guitar lessons or yoga or start going to the gym… SOMETHING to break the silence. I wish I wasn't so anxious all the time, that I could just be content with everything and be happy about it instead of stirring around in these never-ending thoughts of possibilities in my head, constantly wondering and plotting ways to get out of this life, and move onto something more magical and enjoyable. I just can't help but wonder what else is out there, what it would be like to live in another world, in a different life, have a different lifestyle. You also need money for that, and that's something I'm definitely lacking in. Now, if I moved in with my mom for a year that would be a different story. But it's just that I haven't lived at home since I was like 17! It would almost seem like I'm taking a step backwards instead of forwards, but lots of people I know still live at home… so it's not like anyone would give me shit about it. I feel unhappy sometimes, with my life. I have no reason to be.. it's not like I'm necessarily deprived of much. I mean, I make a decent living and support myself just fine, I have - well, had - a nice car, a nice apartment, an awesome boyfriend, the bestest friends in this entire world, 3 beautiful dogs whom I totally and completely adore with every bone in my body, an incredibly amazing family. Hah, if you were on the outside looking in you'd think I was crazy saying I'm unhappy with life! I'm a fool, I know. My head tells me to stay, stick it out, wait for the rain to pass and there will be sunshine at the end of the road.. but my heart is in a completely different place, wanting to dance in the rain instead of waiting for it to pass. Who knows, I may not even like it as much as I think I will… and I can come back after a year or whatever. But I'll never know how I feel about it if I never try and that eats away at me daily. Landin would never understand, or accept it. I think he would hate me forever for choosing this over a life with him.......
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Soul Searching Commences
So, is this it? This is life. You go this way, or you go that way - and that's that. Whichever way you choose will directly affect the rest of your life, the way you live it, and the goals you set for yourself… the security of it all. What if some don't wish for security for the rest of their lives?
"Some people were born to roam" - Robert Pattinson…. Comes to mind
I spent the better part of my adolescence and late teens reiterating to myself that I would by no means want that life. You know, the one in which you graduate from high school, you go to college, get a degree - or as in my case, get a job right out of high school that unavoidably became my career - find a career, find a husband(or wife), buy a house, have a wedding, make babies, raise those babies, retire, then die. These are the events of Life as we know it. This is how people perceive "the good life", this is how we were trained to live. This is what we are taught from day 1. And if for some reason you decide to wander off of that path, or take the path less travelled, you are an outcast? Why is this?
"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkein… comes to mind.
I've never been a big fan of the marriage ideals, or even having children for that matter. I come from a very large family and trust me when I say I've had my fair share of poopy diapers, spit-up, accidents, hospital visits, and other utterly annoying situations & experiences that I'm not particular about going through again. Plus, children have sticky hands and snotty faces.. and when they get older they have attitudes. I'm sure I would be capable if the situation presented itself… but maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I don't want that life; and this is a very painful thing to say for me.
You see, I have a wonderful boyfriend that I've been with for over 3 years now. He loves me more that anything in this world, he truly adores me - and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I should consider myself lucky. These kinds of guys are few and far between nowadays, they truly are. And I would be a fool to renounce something, someone, so incredibly caring, kind, good-hearted, loving and just down right awesome.
Dumb… comes to mind.
That's what I would be, right? Most women live and breathe to find "the one", that special someone they will predictably spend the rest of their lives with - or so they hope anyways, nowadays the likelihood of a life-long marriage has diminished greatly. But they still seek him, wait for him. Don't get me wrong, a life-long partnership would be a wonderful thing if it's something you're capable of… if it were the right person for you. That's where my predicament comes along.
He wants that life, that life I briefly described earlier - and I don't. He's a very traditional man and he will one day make the perfect husband and father, I have no doubt in my mind. But he's chosen that path, that's his goal in life. Not mine.
So here I am, standing at the break in the road, deciding which way to go. On the one path there is a beautiful winding road to freedom. To the vast unknown that is this Earth. To the beaches of islands in the ocean, to the hills in Ireland, to the waterfalls and the forests and the cultures to experience and the religions to learn about and the people in this world that need help and care. There is far too much life to live out there. So many things to witness and accomplish and discover. The desire to experience these things burns passionately within me, more and more powerful as I get older. I'm only 23 and I already feel as though time is running out. I feel like I need to begin NOW. I need to get out there and see the world. I am of this earth and I want to feel and see the beauty of everything that's out there, everything that I'm made of. And I don't want to waste any more time waiting for it to fall in my lap.
I crave being that missionary in Kenya, that girl lying in a hammock on the beach of an island, that backpacker in Europe, that deep sea fisher, the girl walking down the streets of Amsterdam, Paris, Prague, Greece, Egypt, Australia - the opportunities are outrageously endless. I want to be at the music festivals all summer & fall long from Cali, to Florida… from Michigan, to New Orleans. I want to be there. I want that experience, I want THAT life. I want that life so much more than anything else in this world… with the exception, possibly, for one thing - love.
I've learned it's unspeakably difficult to live a life devoid of love. But does that love absolutely have to be love for another human being? Can we not be in love with life? Be in love with this earth? And maybe, if you're lucky, somewhere along the way you stumble on that "special person" who wants to be there with you, and then you truly will have acquired everything.
"Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed, maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with" - Sarah Jessica Parker
… comes to mind.
Am I prepared to forsake one love, for another? My love for him, or my love for life? Why must I choose - it would be significantly easier if he longed for the life I desire, or I for the life he desires. But that's not the case.
And so here I stand again, at the break in my road… struggling daily with the wrench for a loss of my life, or a loss of my love. I'm utterly terrified of the decision I make when I formulate it. What if I choose the wrong path? And then I have to live with regret in my heart for the remainder of my life?
I do occasionally try to envision myself as a wife, with children, the white picket fence and all that jazz, and a career. But as I mature, that vision increasingly fades with each passing day. And my heart blazes ever more with desire to opt for freedom over security & comfort. And the guilt, of preferring this earth over "the American Dream", if you will, is relentless. It consumes me. But what kind of "fair" is that to anyone I associate with - husband, children, job - if I'm merely choosing the life I never wanted, out of guilt. And moreover, there is the guilt of tarnishing someone else's dream, if I choose to be selfish and take the path less travelled, the road to freedom.
I've had quite the anxiety over all this in recent months. I've always had anxiety, but it seems like it's progressively getting worse, like I need to make a choice soon because time is moving quickly. And I feel at times I'm leading him further into a realm of false hope. And also, anxiety of an immense shift change in my life. Like something life-altering is about to ensue, something earth shattering. That may possibly just be the anxiety, but like I said, it's worse than it has ever been. That gut-wrenching, anxious feeling.
I find myself floating through the repetition that is my every day now - getting lost in the sea of my thoughts. I wake up, I get ready, I sit in the dreadful Dallas traffic on my way to work, I work for 8 hours, I go home, I do laundry or make dinner and watch TV or play around on the computer for a bit, then I finally go to sleep around 2 AM - then I wake up, and do it all over again - everyday. Occasionally I'll go out for drinks with friends. I have to, it's the only thing that keeps me sane - and Landin, of course. Hell, if it weren't for him I'd probably be out every night… or somewhere in Canada.
I just feel so drained of this gray life though. Yes, gray. A little bit of black, a bit of white, that has mixed together in a blur of repetition. A drone. I just wake up, and try and make it through "just another day". Maybe I don't want the rest of my life to be "just another day". I want to be thrilled to wake up in the morning knowing that wherever I am, I'm going to experience something amazing, chat with someone new about something completely fascinating. I long to feel the sun shining on my face - my feet in the sand, snow, or soft green grass. Not like this Texas dry rough grass, or slippery ugly ice, or dirty littered sand. No, not like this at all. This is not what I want. This is not where I want to be, nor how I want to live my life forever.
Some people find comfort and contentment in repetition. They feel secure. Sometimes I wish I could feel that, but I don't. No, I want extraordinary - I want the magnitude of it all. I personally don't understand how anyone could NOT want that. How anyone could live on this planet and not want to see all it has to offer, all the wonders of this beautiful world.
I could do it, I could make this real. I could stay with my mother for a year, save up plenty of money to support myself wherever I go, pay off all my debts, so I could leave it all behind - in good standing of course. Leave it all behind - That's such a stimulating statement. Put it all away, all the material possessions I've acquired throughout my life, which isn't much. And wherever I venture to I could easily obtain a little job, and a little apartment, or maybe even establish my own little business on some little island, or in some little town.
I sometimes wonder if it would get lonely. But I have a difficult time convincing myself that it would be. In fact, I imagine it'd be rather peaceful. No obligations to anyone, no dates to concern yourself with. Just me and this earth. I think it would be magnificent. Or, is thriving on the daily commitments we engage in a part of keeping us sane, keeping us human?
If I got rid of my car, rent, and other bills that come along with having your own place, even allowing myself a $450 spending allowance a month on random whatevers, included Christmas bonus & Income Tax, I could save roughly $22,000 dollars, in one year. That would give me plenty of security for, at the least, a year wherever I go. And if it didn't work out the first year, if it wasn't everything I have envisioned it to be, I could easily come back and get a job and a place and fall back into my old routine life. It's that easy, it would be THAT easy to go. So why haven't I yet? That would be because I'm in love with someone. Someone amazing, in fact. And he's very much in love with me as well. And it's very challenging to leave someone you love so much, and who loves you just as much in return, without feeling guilt or the possibility of loneliness and regret. The possibility of losing them forever, and even if you come back after a year they're gone for good. Because you chose them second to another life, you chose a life without them. I could only imagine how it would hurt him.
Or would he miss me so much that he would come join me. Give up his dream to live in mine. It's a possibility.
I also wonder sometimes if I've become too accustomed to my material life, my excesses and unnecessary possessions - all the conveniences. And how long it would take to become accustomed to living without most of those things. I think though, that if I were in the proper environment where some of these things are pretty non-existent, it would feel normal. I think I would adapt easily enough. But, it's still something to ponder.
So my 'To Do List' before I departed (not in any specific order):
- Pay off the car
- Finish out my apartment lease
- Pay off all credit cards
- Pay off all other debt
- Get a new camera, an awesome one, with video as well
- Buy several journals
- Move in with mother
- Sell everything I don't/won't need, that can easily be replaced if needed
- Purchase an MP3 player and download LOTS of wonderful music
- Eventually put in my 2 weeks before I leave
- Figure out where I want to go first
- Buy a One Way plane ticket
- Find an apt.
And the hardest one of all,
- End my relationship
The more I write about it, the more conceivable the prospect of it becomes. It's more feasible than I give it credit for.
Tangible… Comes to mind.
And when I return, or settle somewhere eventually, I could publish my journal. The tell-tale of all the places I saw, the people I met, the things I learned, the things I did. Every breathtaking view, every significant conversation, every monumental experience. It would somewhat be like "Into the Wild", except mine would be "Into the World". Hah.
"The Pursuit of Happiness"… comes to mind. (not the movie, the adage)
Good song….
Robert Pattinson - TO ROAM
***This is only what I could "get" out of it, it's a bit hard to understand.***
Well I like this world, well I like this world
Well I like this world, ---
----
Ghost in the rain, cold walk of freedom
Well I'm working' the hard way now
Said I'm working' the hard way
I'm working the hard way yea
Said I'm walking the hallway
And I’m walking' the hallway
I thought I'd had the glory
Thinkin' that my day would surely come
And when I would sing I'm a-smilin' baby
And I would know where I'm goin to run
But I know where I go I will be gone somewhere
Until then you see,
You can see it through my mind
You would know you'd know where
You'd know when my eyes roam
Through the fog and hail and sleet amidst the snow
You'd know where
Know where, know where, know where
Should know where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known better baby
Cause I like this world
Yea I like this world
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone
Some quotes…
Henry David Thoreau"The world is but a canvas to the imagination."Henry David Thoreau"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
Ralph Waldo Emerson, U.S. Poet, essayist and transcendentalist (1803-1882)"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
"Some people were born to roam" - Robert Pattinson…. Comes to mind
I spent the better part of my adolescence and late teens reiterating to myself that I would by no means want that life. You know, the one in which you graduate from high school, you go to college, get a degree - or as in my case, get a job right out of high school that unavoidably became my career - find a career, find a husband(or wife), buy a house, have a wedding, make babies, raise those babies, retire, then die. These are the events of Life as we know it. This is how people perceive "the good life", this is how we were trained to live. This is what we are taught from day 1. And if for some reason you decide to wander off of that path, or take the path less travelled, you are an outcast? Why is this?
"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkein… comes to mind.
I've never been a big fan of the marriage ideals, or even having children for that matter. I come from a very large family and trust me when I say I've had my fair share of poopy diapers, spit-up, accidents, hospital visits, and other utterly annoying situations & experiences that I'm not particular about going through again. Plus, children have sticky hands and snotty faces.. and when they get older they have attitudes. I'm sure I would be capable if the situation presented itself… but maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I don't want that life; and this is a very painful thing to say for me.
You see, I have a wonderful boyfriend that I've been with for over 3 years now. He loves me more that anything in this world, he truly adores me - and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I should consider myself lucky. These kinds of guys are few and far between nowadays, they truly are. And I would be a fool to renounce something, someone, so incredibly caring, kind, good-hearted, loving and just down right awesome.
Dumb… comes to mind.
That's what I would be, right? Most women live and breathe to find "the one", that special someone they will predictably spend the rest of their lives with - or so they hope anyways, nowadays the likelihood of a life-long marriage has diminished greatly. But they still seek him, wait for him. Don't get me wrong, a life-long partnership would be a wonderful thing if it's something you're capable of… if it were the right person for you. That's where my predicament comes along.
He wants that life, that life I briefly described earlier - and I don't. He's a very traditional man and he will one day make the perfect husband and father, I have no doubt in my mind. But he's chosen that path, that's his goal in life. Not mine.
So here I am, standing at the break in the road, deciding which way to go. On the one path there is a beautiful winding road to freedom. To the vast unknown that is this Earth. To the beaches of islands in the ocean, to the hills in Ireland, to the waterfalls and the forests and the cultures to experience and the religions to learn about and the people in this world that need help and care. There is far too much life to live out there. So many things to witness and accomplish and discover. The desire to experience these things burns passionately within me, more and more powerful as I get older. I'm only 23 and I already feel as though time is running out. I feel like I need to begin NOW. I need to get out there and see the world. I am of this earth and I want to feel and see the beauty of everything that's out there, everything that I'm made of. And I don't want to waste any more time waiting for it to fall in my lap.
I crave being that missionary in Kenya, that girl lying in a hammock on the beach of an island, that backpacker in Europe, that deep sea fisher, the girl walking down the streets of Amsterdam, Paris, Prague, Greece, Egypt, Australia - the opportunities are outrageously endless. I want to be at the music festivals all summer & fall long from Cali, to Florida… from Michigan, to New Orleans. I want to be there. I want that experience, I want THAT life. I want that life so much more than anything else in this world… with the exception, possibly, for one thing - love.
I've learned it's unspeakably difficult to live a life devoid of love. But does that love absolutely have to be love for another human being? Can we not be in love with life? Be in love with this earth? And maybe, if you're lucky, somewhere along the way you stumble on that "special person" who wants to be there with you, and then you truly will have acquired everything.
"Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed, maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with" - Sarah Jessica Parker
… comes to mind.
Am I prepared to forsake one love, for another? My love for him, or my love for life? Why must I choose - it would be significantly easier if he longed for the life I desire, or I for the life he desires. But that's not the case.
And so here I stand again, at the break in my road… struggling daily with the wrench for a loss of my life, or a loss of my love. I'm utterly terrified of the decision I make when I formulate it. What if I choose the wrong path? And then I have to live with regret in my heart for the remainder of my life?
I do occasionally try to envision myself as a wife, with children, the white picket fence and all that jazz, and a career. But as I mature, that vision increasingly fades with each passing day. And my heart blazes ever more with desire to opt for freedom over security & comfort. And the guilt, of preferring this earth over "the American Dream", if you will, is relentless. It consumes me. But what kind of "fair" is that to anyone I associate with - husband, children, job - if I'm merely choosing the life I never wanted, out of guilt. And moreover, there is the guilt of tarnishing someone else's dream, if I choose to be selfish and take the path less travelled, the road to freedom.
I've had quite the anxiety over all this in recent months. I've always had anxiety, but it seems like it's progressively getting worse, like I need to make a choice soon because time is moving quickly. And I feel at times I'm leading him further into a realm of false hope. And also, anxiety of an immense shift change in my life. Like something life-altering is about to ensue, something earth shattering. That may possibly just be the anxiety, but like I said, it's worse than it has ever been. That gut-wrenching, anxious feeling.
I find myself floating through the repetition that is my every day now - getting lost in the sea of my thoughts. I wake up, I get ready, I sit in the dreadful Dallas traffic on my way to work, I work for 8 hours, I go home, I do laundry or make dinner and watch TV or play around on the computer for a bit, then I finally go to sleep around 2 AM - then I wake up, and do it all over again - everyday. Occasionally I'll go out for drinks with friends. I have to, it's the only thing that keeps me sane - and Landin, of course. Hell, if it weren't for him I'd probably be out every night… or somewhere in Canada.
I just feel so drained of this gray life though. Yes, gray. A little bit of black, a bit of white, that has mixed together in a blur of repetition. A drone. I just wake up, and try and make it through "just another day". Maybe I don't want the rest of my life to be "just another day". I want to be thrilled to wake up in the morning knowing that wherever I am, I'm going to experience something amazing, chat with someone new about something completely fascinating. I long to feel the sun shining on my face - my feet in the sand, snow, or soft green grass. Not like this Texas dry rough grass, or slippery ugly ice, or dirty littered sand. No, not like this at all. This is not what I want. This is not where I want to be, nor how I want to live my life forever.
Some people find comfort and contentment in repetition. They feel secure. Sometimes I wish I could feel that, but I don't. No, I want extraordinary - I want the magnitude of it all. I personally don't understand how anyone could NOT want that. How anyone could live on this planet and not want to see all it has to offer, all the wonders of this beautiful world.
I could do it, I could make this real. I could stay with my mother for a year, save up plenty of money to support myself wherever I go, pay off all my debts, so I could leave it all behind - in good standing of course. Leave it all behind - That's such a stimulating statement. Put it all away, all the material possessions I've acquired throughout my life, which isn't much. And wherever I venture to I could easily obtain a little job, and a little apartment, or maybe even establish my own little business on some little island, or in some little town.
I sometimes wonder if it would get lonely. But I have a difficult time convincing myself that it would be. In fact, I imagine it'd be rather peaceful. No obligations to anyone, no dates to concern yourself with. Just me and this earth. I think it would be magnificent. Or, is thriving on the daily commitments we engage in a part of keeping us sane, keeping us human?
If I got rid of my car, rent, and other bills that come along with having your own place, even allowing myself a $450 spending allowance a month on random whatevers, included Christmas bonus & Income Tax, I could save roughly $22,000 dollars, in one year. That would give me plenty of security for, at the least, a year wherever I go. And if it didn't work out the first year, if it wasn't everything I have envisioned it to be, I could easily come back and get a job and a place and fall back into my old routine life. It's that easy, it would be THAT easy to go. So why haven't I yet? That would be because I'm in love with someone. Someone amazing, in fact. And he's very much in love with me as well. And it's very challenging to leave someone you love so much, and who loves you just as much in return, without feeling guilt or the possibility of loneliness and regret. The possibility of losing them forever, and even if you come back after a year they're gone for good. Because you chose them second to another life, you chose a life without them. I could only imagine how it would hurt him.
Or would he miss me so much that he would come join me. Give up his dream to live in mine. It's a possibility.
I also wonder sometimes if I've become too accustomed to my material life, my excesses and unnecessary possessions - all the conveniences. And how long it would take to become accustomed to living without most of those things. I think though, that if I were in the proper environment where some of these things are pretty non-existent, it would feel normal. I think I would adapt easily enough. But, it's still something to ponder.
So my 'To Do List' before I departed (not in any specific order):
- Pay off the car
- Finish out my apartment lease
- Pay off all credit cards
- Pay off all other debt
- Get a new camera, an awesome one, with video as well
- Buy several journals
- Move in with mother
- Sell everything I don't/won't need, that can easily be replaced if needed
- Purchase an MP3 player and download LOTS of wonderful music
- Eventually put in my 2 weeks before I leave
- Figure out where I want to go first
- Buy a One Way plane ticket
- Find an apt.
And the hardest one of all,
- End my relationship
The more I write about it, the more conceivable the prospect of it becomes. It's more feasible than I give it credit for.
Tangible… Comes to mind.
And when I return, or settle somewhere eventually, I could publish my journal. The tell-tale of all the places I saw, the people I met, the things I learned, the things I did. Every breathtaking view, every significant conversation, every monumental experience. It would somewhat be like "Into the Wild", except mine would be "Into the World". Hah.
"The Pursuit of Happiness"… comes to mind. (not the movie, the adage)
Good song….
Robert Pattinson - TO ROAM
***This is only what I could "get" out of it, it's a bit hard to understand.***
Well I like this world, well I like this world
Well I like this world, ---
----
Ghost in the rain, cold walk of freedom
Well I'm working' the hard way now
Said I'm working' the hard way
I'm working the hard way yea
Said I'm walking the hallway
And I’m walking' the hallway
I thought I'd had the glory
Thinkin' that my day would surely come
And when I would sing I'm a-smilin' baby
And I would know where I'm goin to run
But I know where I go I will be gone somewhere
Until then you see,
You can see it through my mind
You would know you'd know where
You'd know when my eyes roam
Through the fog and hail and sleet amidst the snow
You'd know where
Know where, know where, know where
Should know where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known better baby
Cause I like this world
Yea I like this world
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone
Some quotes…
Henry David Thoreau"The world is but a canvas to the imagination."Henry David Thoreau"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
Ralph Waldo Emerson, U.S. Poet, essayist and transcendentalist (1803-1882)"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
My Story
Well for starters, my mother is a single mom of 5 children (I don't live with her, so technically 4 now) and has been supporting all of us/them on her own since her divorce about 9 years ago, with the exception of a small child support check she receives from her ex husband (and father to the 4 children she's raising). She went through minimal schooling while still married and got a job at Dallas Semiconductor assisting in the design of integrated circuits and makes an "OK" salary, but really not nearly enough to support as many children as she has. My (at the time) estranged father on the other hand never paid child support for me, and she was forced to support me 100% on her own until she met my now ex-stepfather. She is a fine woman, a strong woman, and a righteous woman... I admire her deeply. Because of my mothers situation, I took it upon myself to graduate high school one year early, at the age of 17, so I could begin working to save money for school, a car, a cell phone... all the things my family couldn't afford that everyone else around me had. Little did I know that once I graduated and could work full time my mother would no longer be able to fully support me, because she just couldn't afford it with 4 other rapidly growing children to care for. With the expenses of a vehicle, insurance, etc., new incoming bills and trying to save some money for a community college, I found out really fast how to be a grown up. I moved out on my own and lived in an apt. with my best friend at the age of 17 and began FULLY supporting myself... hah. You can only imagine where my school money perished! I used some of the scholarship money I received for graduating early to attend a semester of community college (night school), while working full time during the day as a receptionist to support myself. With the pressures of a very demanding full-time job, getting off at 4:30 or 5 going straight to school and staying until about 10PM every night, I started to become wearisome and eventually withdrew... I did this for 2 semesters in a row. I tried applying for full-ride scholarships and grants so I could focus all my energies on school without having to work FULL time, but with no luck. They said my mother's $50K salary (BEFORE taxes, mind you) was too much for me to get a grant (even though she supported 4 children, and I supported myself on an $8/hr income at the age of 17-18), and (you'll die hearing this one) NOT ENOUGH to get a loan for a full-ride. HAH! This was the point I totally lost all respect for government integration in the education system. Why couldn't I go to school like the rest of my friends? Why did I have to suffer so much to get an education? I'm a Caucasian girl from the suburbs, who didn't have enough for a loan, but too much for a grant. So what do you do? I couldn't keep doing the school/full-time work thing because I would just fail, my GPA would be awful and I couldn't live with that nor could I get into and good 4-yr college. I want to be the very best at what I do, especially if I'm paying out of my pocket for it! So, I withdrew, for good this time. I gave up on my dream of becoming a neuroscientist, or a neuropsychologist... and stayed at my full-time job. I've now been doing Commercial Interior Finish-out General Contracting for the same company for nearly 4 years combined now. I've moved up from a receptionist/office help to a Marketing Coordinator, Assistant Project Manager, Project Administrator, Project Manager on small jobs, pretty much everything but Peachtree accounting, and HR. I'm 23 now, and I've supported myself and been on my own the whole way through, since 17. I'm not so much complaining about where I ended up by any means, but if I could've had an education, or if I had the opportunity to continue my education in the field of Construction Management I could go on to achieve many successes in my industry! I could never understand why a hardworking person like me and a hardworking person like my mother... were on the bottom of the totem pole, or the ladder.
I am 23 now, still working at the same place and with hard work and determination on my side I have achieved the status I'm currently at. I have a two bedroom apartment, 3 amazing dogs and a wonderful boyfriend whom I've now been with for a little over 3 years. I'm doing very well for myself and I couldn't be more proud of it.
Proud, yes. Satisfied? Not quite…
This is where my life takes a turn I'd always expected deep down inside. And this is where my life as I know it ends, yet a new one begins.
I have come to the fork in the road, a place we all know.
Which way to go?
That was the question to be answered… the biggest, most deliberating question of my life………
I am 23 now, still working at the same place and with hard work and determination on my side I have achieved the status I'm currently at. I have a two bedroom apartment, 3 amazing dogs and a wonderful boyfriend whom I've now been with for a little over 3 years. I'm doing very well for myself and I couldn't be more proud of it.
Proud, yes. Satisfied? Not quite…
This is where my life takes a turn I'd always expected deep down inside. And this is where my life as I know it ends, yet a new one begins.
I have come to the fork in the road, a place we all know.
Which way to go?
That was the question to be answered… the biggest, most deliberating question of my life………
Catching up
So, I've already started writing some things, but they were moreso for myself until I recently decided it may be interesting to have some eyes other than my own on some of these things.
I'll be posting some of this all here in the next couple of days, and once I've completed that I'll start anew, where I left off ...
I hope you enjoy, and please by all means, share your thoughts and opinions as well :)
Brandi
I'll be posting some of this all here in the next couple of days, and once I've completed that I'll start anew, where I left off ...
I hope you enjoy, and please by all means, share your thoughts and opinions as well :)
Brandi
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