The Soul Searching Commences

So, is this it? This is life. You go this way, or you go that way - and that's that. Whichever way you choose will directly affect the rest of your life, the way you live it, and the goals you set for yourself… the security of it all. What if some don't wish for security for the rest of their lives?

"Some people were born to roam" - Robert Pattinson…. Comes to mind

I spent the better part of my adolescence and late teens reiterating to myself that I would by no means want that life. You know, the one in which you graduate from high school, you go to college, get a degree - or as in my case, get a job right out of high school that unavoidably became my career - find a career, find a husband(or wife), buy a house, have a wedding, make babies, raise those babies, retire, then die. These are the events of Life as we know it. This is how people perceive "the good life", this is how we were trained to live. This is what we are taught from day 1. And if for some reason you decide to wander off of that path, or take the path less travelled, you are an outcast? Why is this?

"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkein… comes to mind.

I've never been a big fan of the marriage ideals, or even having children for that matter. I come from a very large family and trust me when I say I've had my fair share of poopy diapers, spit-up, accidents, hospital visits, and other utterly annoying situations & experiences that I'm not particular about going through again. Plus, children have sticky hands and snotty faces.. and when they get older they have attitudes. I'm sure I would be capable if the situation presented itself… but maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I don't want that life; and this is a very painful thing to say for me.

You see, I have a wonderful boyfriend that I've been with for over 3 years now. He loves me more that anything in this world, he truly adores me - and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I should consider myself lucky. These kinds of guys are few and far between nowadays, they truly are. And I would be a fool to renounce something, someone, so incredibly caring, kind, good-hearted, loving and just down right awesome.

Dumb… comes to mind.

That's what I would be, right? Most women live and breathe to find "the one", that special someone they will predictably spend the rest of their lives with - or so they hope anyways, nowadays the likelihood of a life-long marriage has diminished greatly. But they still seek him, wait for him. Don't get me wrong, a life-long partnership would be a wonderful thing if it's something you're capable of… if it were the right person for you. That's where my predicament comes along.

He wants that life, that life I briefly described earlier - and I don't. He's a very traditional man and he will one day make the perfect husband and father, I have no doubt in my mind. But he's chosen that path, that's his goal in life. Not mine.

So here I am, standing at the break in the road, deciding which way to go. On the one path there is a beautiful winding road to freedom. To the vast unknown that is this Earth. To the beaches of islands in the ocean, to the hills in Ireland, to the waterfalls and the forests and the cultures to experience and the religions to learn about and the people in this world that need help and care. There is far too much life to live out there. So many things to witness and accomplish and discover. The desire to experience these things burns passionately within me, more and more powerful as I get older. I'm only 23 and I already feel as though time is running out. I feel like I need to begin NOW. I need to get out there and see the world. I am of this earth and I want to feel and see the beauty of everything that's out there, everything that I'm made of. And I don't want to waste any more time waiting for it to fall in my lap.

I crave being that missionary in Kenya, that girl lying in a hammock on the beach of an island, that backpacker in Europe, that deep sea fisher, the girl walking down the streets of Amsterdam, Paris, Prague, Greece, Egypt, Australia - the opportunities are outrageously endless. I want to be at the music festivals all summer & fall long from Cali, to Florida… from Michigan, to New Orleans. I want to be there. I want that experience, I want THAT life. I want that life so much more than anything else in this world… with the exception, possibly, for one thing - love.

I've learned it's unspeakably difficult to live a life devoid of love. But does that love absolutely have to be love for another human being? Can we not be in love with life? Be in love with this earth? And maybe, if you're lucky, somewhere along the way you stumble on that "special person" who wants to be there with you, and then you truly will have acquired everything.

"Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed, maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with" - Sarah Jessica Parker
… comes to mind.

Am I prepared to forsake one love, for another? My love for him, or my love for life? Why must I choose - it would be significantly easier if he longed for the life I desire, or I for the life he desires. But that's not the case.

And so here I stand again, at the break in my road… struggling daily with the wrench for a loss of my life, or a loss of my love. I'm utterly terrified of the decision I make when I formulate it. What if I choose the wrong path? And then I have to live with regret in my heart for the remainder of my life?

I do occasionally try to envision myself as a wife, with children, the white picket fence and all that jazz, and a career. But as I mature, that vision increasingly fades with each passing day. And my heart blazes ever more with desire to opt for freedom over security & comfort. And the guilt, of preferring this earth over "the American Dream", if you will, is relentless. It consumes me. But what kind of "fair" is that to anyone I associate with - husband, children, job - if I'm merely choosing the life I never wanted, out of guilt. And moreover, there is the guilt of tarnishing someone else's dream, if I choose to be selfish and take the path less travelled, the road to freedom.

I've had quite the anxiety over all this in recent months. I've always had anxiety, but it seems like it's progressively getting worse, like I need to make a choice soon because time is moving quickly. And I feel at times I'm leading him further into a realm of false hope. And also, anxiety of an immense shift change in my life. Like something life-altering is about to ensue, something earth shattering. That may possibly just be the anxiety, but like I said, it's worse than it has ever been. That gut-wrenching, anxious feeling.

I find myself floating through the repetition that is my every day now - getting lost in the sea of my thoughts. I wake up, I get ready, I sit in the dreadful Dallas traffic on my way to work, I work for 8 hours, I go home, I do laundry or make dinner and watch TV or play around on the computer for a bit, then I finally go to sleep around 2 AM - then I wake up, and do it all over again - everyday. Occasionally I'll go out for drinks with friends. I have to, it's the only thing that keeps me sane - and Landin, of course. Hell, if it weren't for him I'd probably be out every night… or somewhere in Canada.

I just feel so drained of this gray life though. Yes, gray. A little bit of black, a bit of white, that has mixed together in a blur of repetition. A drone. I just wake up, and try and make it through "just another day". Maybe I don't want the rest of my life to be "just another day". I want to be thrilled to wake up in the morning knowing that wherever I am, I'm going to experience something amazing, chat with someone new about something completely fascinating. I long to feel the sun shining on my face - my feet in the sand, snow, or soft green grass. Not like this Texas dry rough grass, or slippery ugly ice, or dirty littered sand. No, not like this at all. This is not what I want. This is not where I want to be, nor how I want to live my life forever.

Some people find comfort and contentment in repetition. They feel secure. Sometimes I wish I could feel that, but I don't. No, I want extraordinary - I want the magnitude of it all. I personally don't understand how anyone could NOT want that. How anyone could live on this planet and not want to see all it has to offer, all the wonders of this beautiful world.

I could do it, I could make this real. I could stay with my mother for a year, save up plenty of money to support myself wherever I go, pay off all my debts, so I could leave it all behind - in good standing of course. Leave it all behind - That's such a stimulating statement. Put it all away, all the material possessions I've acquired throughout my life, which isn't much. And wherever I venture to I could easily obtain a little job, and a little apartment, or maybe even establish my own little business on some little island, or in some little town.

I sometimes wonder if it would get lonely. But I have a difficult time convincing myself that it would be. In fact, I imagine it'd be rather peaceful. No obligations to anyone, no dates to concern yourself with. Just me and this earth. I think it would be magnificent. Or, is thriving on the daily commitments we engage in a part of keeping us sane, keeping us human?

If I got rid of my car, rent, and other bills that come along with having your own place, even allowing myself a $450 spending allowance a month on random whatevers, included Christmas bonus & Income Tax, I could save roughly $22,000 dollars, in one year. That would give me plenty of security for, at the least, a year wherever I go. And if it didn't work out the first year, if it wasn't everything I have envisioned it to be, I could easily come back and get a job and a place and fall back into my old routine life. It's that easy, it would be THAT easy to go. So why haven't I yet? That would be because I'm in love with someone. Someone amazing, in fact. And he's very much in love with me as well. And it's very challenging to leave someone you love so much, and who loves you just as much in return, without feeling guilt or the possibility of loneliness and regret. The possibility of losing them forever, and even if you come back after a year they're gone for good. Because you chose them second to another life, you chose a life without them. I could only imagine how it would hurt him.

Or would he miss me so much that he would come join me. Give up his dream to live in mine. It's a possibility.

I also wonder sometimes if I've become too accustomed to my material life, my excesses and unnecessary possessions - all the conveniences. And how long it would take to become accustomed to living without most of those things. I think though, that if I were in the proper environment where some of these things are pretty non-existent, it would feel normal. I think I would adapt easily enough. But, it's still something to ponder.


So my 'To Do List' before I departed (not in any specific order):
- Pay off the car
- Finish out my apartment lease
- Pay off all credit cards
- Pay off all other debt
- Get a new camera, an awesome one, with video as well
- Buy several journals
- Move in with mother
- Sell everything I don't/won't need, that can easily be replaced if needed
- Purchase an MP3 player and download LOTS of wonderful music
- Eventually put in my 2 weeks before I leave
- Figure out where I want to go first
- Buy a One Way plane ticket
- Find an apt.

And the hardest one of all,
- End my relationship


The more I write about it, the more conceivable the prospect of it becomes. It's more feasible than I give it credit for.


Tangible… Comes to mind.


And when I return, or settle somewhere eventually, I could publish my journal. The tell-tale of all the places I saw, the people I met, the things I learned, the things I did. Every breathtaking view, every significant conversation, every monumental experience. It would somewhat be like "Into the Wild", except mine would be "Into the World". Hah.

"The Pursuit of Happiness"… comes to mind. (not the movie, the adage)


Good song….

Robert Pattinson - TO ROAM

***This is only what I could "get" out of it, it's a bit hard to understand.***
Well I like this world, well I like this world
Well I like this world, ---
----­­

Ghost in the rain, cold walk of freedom
Well I'm working' the hard way now
Said I'm working' the hard way
I'm working the hard way yea
Said I'm walking the hallway
And I’m walking' the hallway

I thought I'd had the glory
Thinkin' that my day would surely come
And when I would sing I'm a-smilin' baby
And I would know where I'm goin to run
But I know where I go I will be gone somewhere
Until then you see,
You can see it through my mind
You would know you'd know where
You'd know when my eyes roam
Through the fog and hail and sleet amidst the snow
You'd know where
Know where, know where, know where
Should know where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known where
Shoulda known better baby
Cause I like this world
Yea I like this world
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone
Some people were born to roam
Some people that roam this world alone


Some quotes…

Henry David Thoreau"The world is but a canvas to the imagination."Henry David Thoreau"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, U.S. Poet, essayist and transcendentalist (1803-1882)"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."