At Last, My Heart Has Opened

I've already started preparing for my travels. I received my actual birth certificate, next the passport. I've acquired a steady second job waiting tables after my day job, and on weekends. It's excellent. I have so much extra money! Spending it mostly on books, an iPod Touch, and vintage issues of Rolling Stone magazines - pretty much the limit is if it can't go on a plane, then I don't buy it. I'm using the extra money now, because when I move in with my mother that's when the saving begins. Anyways, I still have my day job... didn't get laid off after all but many others did and it was a very unfortunate, trying time for the company. But we've kept afloat so all is well at the moment. I applied for online classes and am planning on getting my Associates in Psychology, and possibly continuing on with my Bachelor's once I get overseas, but that's just an idea. I'll have to see when I get there how comfortable I am with that, money wise. I've also applied for my TEFL certification and have decided that I will be doing my training in Phuket, Thailand, but still weighing other options such as London or Barcelona. Where I go from there is still a mystery, but I have plenty of time to figure it out. Another thing, about my car - oh how conveniently this worked out - I totaled it, and was going to have to get another one which would have sucked leaving trying to get ride of a car with a high note on it before I left. I was preparing myself to just make sure whatever I do over there, I am still able to afford paying on it and it would be here if/when I came back. Come to find out, after a long conversation with my Mother about my plans, that the lease on her car is up in about a year. Oh re-he-heeally! How perfect. So, we decided that I'm going to get a car in my name, whatever she wants, and then when I leave which will be roughly around the time the lease on her other car is up, I'll sign the title over to her and she will continue with owning it. I couldn't be more please how WELL that fell into place. What are the odds right?

On another note, concert season has commenced and I am THRILLED! Shows, concerts and festivals for the next 7 months, WOOO! I always enjoy this time of year so much, as the weather gets hotter, and the days get longer. It seems to make everything flow much less chaotically. And I like that.

More stuff to fill the void - that is always good.

See, ever since I made my decision to do this, to travel the world, I've been anxious (surprise, surprise). I've been working my bones and brain to mush, reading constantly, researching, doing anything to fill the spaces of time between my other obligations. I've become compulsive about it actually. I can't stand the silence when I'm NOT doing anything during my free time. It's utterly unbearable. I have ordered so many books in the past couple of weeks, even reading older ones over again. If I'm not reading then I'm working and if I'm doing neither of those.. well, I'm going absolutely insane inside. It probably seems to others around me that I've closed myself off. Like a hermit or something. It's not the case though, It is absolutely necessary that I keep my mind preoccupied or I'll go into a fit of panic/anxiety. My iPod has contributed a great deal of relief believe it or not. With the music always in my ears (they VERY rarely come out!) it helps me stay unfocused on the other things eating away at me.

Despite the new anxieties, it seems most of the others' I had before are beginning to diminish. The ones I have now are good anxieties, anticipation. The old were bad, tearing me up inside slowly. My eyes have opened, my heart has opened, and my mind has opened to the new future that awaits me. Everything else just seems trivial. It's a truly liberating feeling. I feel young again. I have hope again. I am finally, beyond doubt, excited about my future. There are no questions anymore. This is what I want, this is what I've always wanted and by suppressing it for so long, for all the wrong reasons was an awful thing to put myself, and my loved ones, through.

Revelation…. Comes to mind. J

If anyone reading this takes anything from it. I will have accomplished something, if nothing else. I find comfort in that. Maybe someone will be saved from a life they never wanted.

This song…. Comes to mind

Modest Moust - Lives
Everyone's afraid of their own lifeIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?No one really knows the ones they loveIf you knew everything they thoughtI bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut upWell, you were the dull sound of sharp mathWhen you were aliveNo ones gonna play the harp when you dieAnd if I had a nickel for every damn dimeI'd have half the time, do you mind?Everyone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?Am I right? And it's our livesIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWe're alive for the first timeIt's hard to remember were alive for the last timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberTo live before you dieIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberThat our lives are such a short timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to rememberWhen it takes such a long timeIt's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witchI like thisMy hell comes from inside, comes from inside myselfWhy fight thisEveryone's afraid of their own livesIf you could be anything you wantI bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

Well, I'm off to play some pool and drink beers! Can't wait! (Don't have to work tonight, yippee!)